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In the individuation process of the second stage, a woman becomes selective because she no longer needs to prove she is desired or can satisfy other men.

In order to make the experience meaningful, she arrives at a point where she feels that she must refuse the advances of many men. She learns to define her preferences more clearly and to learn to act on these preferences. This is an experience that many women never have because they rely on their husbands to make decisions in social situations. In short a woman learns to individuate both herself and others in the second stage of swinging.

Men, similarly, learn from swinging.

Once a swinger realizes that his physical responses may very well be due to elements that inhere to the individual relationship rather than to innate sexual inadequacy, he has arrived at a very different conception of sexual relationships. He is better able to see women as human beings to whom he may be attracted and as personalities rather than as objects to be exploited for their sexual potential. In our terms, he can now more successfully individuate relationships with women.

Swinging ordinarily does not result in jealousy or marital break-ups, it may succeed in solidifying marriages by re romanticizing them and thereby making them tolerable and perhaps even enjoyable.

One reason for marital happiness among swingers: Swinging is an activity both spouses do together -- a unique pattern compared with other types of extramarital sex. Most people who continue to participate in swinging believe that such co marital sex embellishes and enriches marriages in all areas, especially in the erotic sector. While most swingers report that it makes a good marriage better, swinging evidently cannot very often save a poor marriage. Some swingers feel that a weak marriage probably will not survive swinging and that perhaps in such cases couples shouldn't swing. A very strong marriage will survive swinging -- but it a marriage is strong, why the need to swing? Hey, why not!

You get to wondering year after year a little bit more about if you could possibly make it with another gal: what would it be like; you want a little bit of variety; you don't love your partner any less but you want something a little bit deterrent. Just the newness of it, the experience with another person is very electrifying. It charges you up. It gives you something that you just can't get from someone that you know very, very well even though you may love them dearly. You just can't it under those circumstances. With swinging you have the opportunity to meet other people. You go with someone and have a sexual experience with someone else and no one thinks the less of you for it.

Some think "Oh, horror, that's supposed to be terrible". Well it isn't terrible and if you're free enough to allow your partner to have the same freedom, then this is fine. It used to be taken for granted that the man could go out and get himself a gal here and there and not too much flap came from this, but if the woman did it -- 'Oh, " again, "that's terrible and horrible". I can't accept that as being horrible and neither can my wife accept it as being horrible. As far as we're concerned, it is a good way to charge yourself up once in a while and get yourself an experience that you just can't get any other way. Your experiences with someone else enhance your own sexual experiences with your own partner. There are just some things you can't do with your own, you have to get them from outside sources.

Most swingers believe:  Swinging is not for all married couples. They do believe that swinging is better than sneaking around corners and lying to the partner about an outside relationship. Most agree with the statement "I think if two people agree on sex other than with their partners, then swinging perhaps is for them". To most swingers sex is a recreation which also satisfies a bodily hunger. Why do female swingers get involved?

As far as being asked why have you married if you're going to get into swinging. I have a lot more emotional aspects of life other than just sex. Sex is just one part of it. I have many years invested in building a complete and total relationship with my husband. Sex, like I say, is just one facet of it and it's been exclusive where as all my other relationships with people have not been exclusive. I'm able to talk to people. I'm able to dance with people, with all these things then why can't I have sex with them ? It doesn't have anything to do with the exclusive relationship I have with my partner, who happens to be my husband. This is my choice and it's the total, exclusive relationship that I want to keep and want to have and I don't want to get rid of; yet. I do have needs to have sexual fulfillment that I can't get from just one type of person. One person can't satisfy all my needs, and I can't satisfy all of anybody else's needs. As far as I can see, that's impossible.

Swingers systematically report that they find it very difficult to go to what they call "straight" parties where they end up playing the couples' game, flirtation games, and other kinds of games. Most of them believe that at swinging parties one does not have to play games, put up the couple front or flirt, one is able to get down to the basics of life and have sex with one another it it is mutually desirable.

Reasons for Swinging and finding swing partners? It is generally felt that you can divide swingers into those who participate for recreational and those who participate for utopian reasons. Recreational swingers see swinging as a social activity much like bowling, playing tennis and cards. Utopian swingers have a general philosophy of communitarians and wish to share not only sex but all other aspects of life with their fellow participants.

At this time there are relatively few scientific data that indicated what long-term effect swinging actually has on marriages. Nevertheless there is a general belief among swingers that swinging has a positive effect upon a marriage. They believe that sexual fidelity is harmful and breeds jealousy and a feeling of ownership between a husband and wife. According to them swinging does away with jealousy and helps each mate see the other as an individual and not as a possession. Another reason for participating in swinging is boredom with marital sex. Swingers feel that it is impossible for one person to satisfy another sexually over an extended period of time. Swinging is seen as a method of adding new excitement to the marriage, perhaps even salvaging it. Most swingers know couples who have tried to salvage a bad marriage by swinging, but they ague that this generally has not been very successful. Most swingers believe that swinging alone cannot save a bad marriage. They do believe that it can strengthen a good marriage.

There may be deeper psychological reasons for swinging. It is believed that men may need to translate early sexual fantasies into reality and that women may be fulfilling social-romantic needs. Some believe that because of the marginality of the new middle class, they seek experiences with others in order to feel they belong. They participate in swinging to develop social ties and to satisfy the need for sexual fulfillment that is a result of their restrictive middle-class backgrounds. Swinging gives them an opportunity to do both without disrupting their general lifestyle.

All reasons, whether social, psychological, or sociological, are at the present time only speculation. One could easily conclude that the reasons for participating in swinging are as varied as swingers themselves.

Jealousy In Swinging Generally, swingers do not show jealousy on the surface. Most swingers argue that this is because by going to parties together and leaving together, they realize their commitment to each other as a couple. Thus, they do not feel threatened because the other partner has gone into another room to have sexual relations with another individual. One such swinger said, "We both know that each of us have experiences with other people and, yet, we come back to each other because we want to be together" They feel that this gives you a feeling of security that you never had before because you feel and know that the partner is coming back to you even though they have had a sexual relationship with someone else. They feel that this builds up self confidence and security.

For a couple to engage in swinging, they must throw off the belief that having sexual relations outside of marriage is improper, they must break the shackles of the double standard. That is, the wife will be having sexual relations with other males much as the male may have had sexual relations outside the marriage with another partner previously.

In an interview with me, one woman swinger reported:

I always felt perhaps I didn't have a normal response, because I was never jealous .To me, it was always a compliment when my husband would have a good relationship with someone. Gee, he's my partner. Its sort of a reflection of me, and the reason I feel this way is because I remember my first party where it was kind of late at night and I was sitting by the fireplace waiting for my husband and he appeared with this attractive woman and she came up to me and gave me a big hug and kiss and said "I'm so glad you came tonight. You have such a terrific husband " It made me feel, not jealous, but warm and good and great. And she's been our friend and I'm grateful to her because I've never been jealous. Quite the opposite. That's what it's all about. Sharing a good thing.

Swinging for most women changes their view of the world and sexual relations. Many argue that it has made a complete turn-around in their life from the way they viewed the world two or three years before swinging. In attempting to determine what causes some women to go into swinging, I have already noted that many are urged by their husbands and others go into swinging to carry out their fantasies. One such woman I interviewed reported that she finally acquiesced in going to a swinging party saying that she would not participate but would be willing to go and observe, have dinner and a drink or two. She said:

"Well, I had just enough to drink and I saw a man that I liked. I tried him and I liked him, I'm not kidding you. My whole outlook on life has changed -- it's been a scream. We have talked more, in fact, I think he wants to gag me now, and it's just beautiful. I cannot believe our life since I started participating in swinging. When we first got married he was not particularly interested in sexual relations, but now he won't leave me alone. For anyone in trouble, you should try it. He's 33 and I'm 22, and I don't know, but my sexual appetite is different from his. I mean, I guess I'm sowing my wild oats or whatever, while he just wants it once a week or sometimes twice. I was, like, climbing up the wall with sexual frustration -- or putting it more bluntly, I was not getting enough, and it was driving me up the wall. Since participating in swinging, as I said, all he wants to do is talk and have sexual relations with me all the time."

Swingers generally believe: There is a swinging couple on every block and from this they argue that swingers are not "a bunch of freaked-out people". One woman I interviewed reported that her first evening began when her husband came home and told her they were going to a swinging party. He had seen an ad in the paper, called them up, and the swing club had said to come over for an interview.

So then he said , Okay we have an interview, we have to go right now, get your clothes on". So I thought, wait a minute, we're going to go. So I put my clothes on. I 'm going to play along with this game and here we go. We 're just going for an interview, right! Well, the interview was at 8:00 and the party was at 9:00. So here we were and the next thing I know there were all these people taking their clothes off, and I thought, my God, help me. Tom's really having a ball, that's really what he was doing, and I'm sitting here on the couch having all these mixed emotions. I'm watching these people, and it's not like any other party that I ever been to, not only in the fact that they are taking their clothes off, but they seem to be actually honest and good people, no phoney facade. In fact, I went to the bathroom and this other lady went with me and she asked me it I was having fun, I said, "Not really." She said, "Well, why aren't you balling? Haven't you seen anything you want?" I said. "No, not really". "Well," she said, "listen, you're missing the best thing in my husband, try him". Well I had just enough to drink and I tried him and I liked him.

Advantages Sexual variety, sexual fulfillment, and the potential of carrying out of one's fantasies are among the advantages of swinging. Sexual excitation increases for both partners as a result of the new types of sexual experiences and there are discussions of actual sexual experiences. Women receive a great deal of positive reinforcement, they may begin seeing themselves as more desirable. "Women informally report that they have been able to shed sexual inhibitions that they were raised with". According to many swingers, you have more of a feeling of your own "personhood", you think of yourself as a person and not a thing. As I read in an interview.

You realize, hey, here I am -- I don't have to do all this garbage, and say all those horrible things that I never used to be able to say, and if people don't like me for what I am, tough -- that's their problem, not mine and I think it really does build you up as a person.

Some swingers argue that swinging creates stronger bonds between couples. Married couples find that swinging increases their ability to communicate with each other. Many couples believe that if a married couple can discuss swinging together, they can discuss anything. Generally, swingers believe they experience individual growth and develop an ability to communicate better with other people.

Generally: 

Swingers believe that swinging has a positive effect on their marriage. About 85 percent of both husbands and wives feel that swinging is not a threat to marriage or love between spouses. None of them reported that their marriage became worse since they began swinging, and the majority feel their marriages have improved. Husbands in particular consistently reported a high level of marital happiness and adjustment. Apparently, swinging has had no negative effect on the sexual lives of the couples; in fact, swinging couples have sexual intercourse more frequently than the general population. More than half of the swinging couples have sex together more than four times a week as compared with only 16 percent of the general population. Many swingers reported that rather than dampening their ardour for each other, swinging often caused an arousal of sexual interest for each other. Many of them often engaged in sex together immediately after resuming home from a swinging party.

The effects of swinging most often reported are the following:

 - Couples experienced an increased feeling of warmth, closeness, and love, often most intense immediately after swinging, when the couple got together and exchanged their experiences. This is as if the swinging experience was proof of their love. 

- Knowledge and confidence regarding sexual technique was more fully developed. 

- Social life was enriched and active. 

- Couples became more open and honest with one another in all areas of their relationship. 

- A benefit for some was that sexual behaviour was taken out of the dark and became more of a taken-for granted normal activity.

Another effect of swinging is that there is a change in the meaning of sex -- that is, of what is appropriate sexual behaviour, in what situation, and with whom. Sexual behaviour in swinging becomes more broadly defined to accommodate a wider range and choice of behaviour than in a typical monogamous relationship. Sex takes on a different meaning for a wife and her spouse when she engages in oral-genital sex with another swinger in the presence of her husband. In addition, the idea that sexual exclusivity between marriage partners symbolizes devotion, trust, security, and love no longer holds, and nonexclusively comes to symbolize these things. Further, sexual behaviour loses its mystery, its secretiveness, and its aspect of "something done in the dark" and takes on more the character of normal everyday activity.

Projections

Swinging is an alternative that is emerging within the traditional structure of marriage in this country. Except for their participation in co marital sex, most swingers are living in a traditional nuclear family. One advantage for many people involved in swinging is that except for sexual behaviour, little change is required in major values related to the traditional family form. Swinging requires changing basic values related to monogamous sexual behaviour or admitting values that are different, at least from what individuals have paid lip service to in the past. Families who swing find that except for sex related areas, it does not require substantial changes in behavioural and functional roles. There is some evidence, however, that such sexual activities sometimes require changes in how couples handle jealousy, power, and so forth in the marriage.

Swinging marries probably represent the least revolutionary of the emerging alternative lifestyles examined in this book. Generally, swingers challenge traditional beliefs only in the area of sexual monogamy. Strong relationships outside the pair bond are still, for the most part, regarded as threats rather than potentials for personal growth. Generally, contemporary swingers view sex as a recreation, which is relatively consistent with a consumer-oriented society, although there is development of personal growth and change through swinging. Swinging may be a preservative rather than a catalyst for change in the basic structure of the family in our society. Swinging may be viewed as a bridge between old and new values for persons who need old values to feel comfortable in our changing society. Swinging, for the most part, only violates the sexual exclusivity value and not other basic values revolving around the traditional nuclear family. Conclude that rules on sex, paternity, and social relationships among swingers make it an adjunct to marriage rather than strictly an alternative. From their point of view, then, swinging supports rather than disrupts monogamous marriage as it currently exists in our society.

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Attempting to hire an escort or sex worker to go to a swinging event with you, if you don't have a regular female partner, just so you can get in the door is a terribly poor idea, this is considered inappropriate at every club I have ever heard of, is generally sufficient to get you black-listed, and is a ruse that is highly likely to be noticed by others. A related concept is taking along someone who isn't really your primary partner and isn't really interested in swinging; such folks are called "tickets" (i.e. you just used them as a "ticket" to get in the door), and this practice isn't looked upon favorably either.

If you want nothing more than to see your female partner have sex with another woman, you will probably be better off forgetting about it until she brings it up; wandering around by yourself attempting to find a woman who wants to have sex with her, or otherwise trying to push this personal choice into happening, is considered quite crass.

Finally, please remember to converse with both members of a couple you and your partner are interested in, not just the partner you are interested in having sex with, ultimately it's your ability to form friendships with COUPLES which will determine the quality of your experience in the swinging community.

Be be open, clean and positive all the time. If something is bothering you, it's important to let your partner know. It is means the communications important. The most important thing, one-way or other, have fun, and be sure your partner have some fun too, because if not (special if your partner is your wife) maybe that was your last swinging experience with her.

Quality or Quantity?

This question usually come from males. Ask any lady, not necessary most to be swinger lady, but you can ask any swinging couple too. They'll will give you the same answer. You should not test here yourself how many times you are able to do it. One quality experience is more better then one night long mediocre experiences. But the fore play never long enough. You can make this as long as long you wish, it just will make better quality

Same room fun

Most couple's first swinging experience is usually some type of soft swing, example same room fun, but hard swinging can be same room fun too. Kissing, touching erotic games but not intercourse with the other couple, or people is soft swing. Most of the people thinks "swinging" means "swapping", but there are many different types of swinging. Same Room fun is a common example, happens what ever is happens, it will happen in same room with your partner. You may have opportunity to watch your partner in sexual activity with someone else, if you want, you can help to make your partner even happier. Often is not just in same room, it maybe in same bad too. it Hard swinging usually mean that sexual intercourse and partner exchange included.

About Swinger Clubs

Basically two kind of swingers clubs are popular. First the off premises clubs. They are like singles bars. You meet there, build some friendship and go somewhere. Sexy dress for ladies, (or no dress at all) kissing touching allowed, but not intercourse.

On-premises clubs are usually private homes where there are bedrooms available for adults fun. Usually after time, from the off premises clubs the members go to on premises clubs. All kind of sexual activities may go on and on. Both clubs do welcome new couples or single women, but we not suggesting on premises club for new couples.

The Meaning of Swinging

Swinging mean open sex life. This may mean one, two, or more people getting together to explore their sexuality, but swinging not just sex. Swingers usually friends are too, but the friendship is not necessary. However end of the line definitely is the bedroom. Swinging is not cheating on your mate. It is share your social and sexual life with others, but not necessarily intercourse. It can be from soft flirting - until full swap or hard core swinging with multiple partners. It is up to everyone how far would like to go, and usually it should be make clear before any action happen. The couples should make tight rules, and they should be keep. Nobody should make anything, what doesn't want to make, or what make him/her uncomfortable.

Who are the swingers?

The swingers are very normal people, just like you and me! Swingers tend to be married, friendly, outgoing people. Swingers generally are interested in sexual adventure. Swingers come from all walks of life, in all shapes and forms. Usually they aren't to religious, and very open minded. Your next door neighbours can be swinger but your doctors too. Most of them are well educated and very clean.

How do I convince my partner to swing?

First of all, you must keep in mind that swinging is not for everyone. Before you can try to convince your partner to swing you first need to look at yourself and why you want to swing. If the only reason you want to swing is so that you can "get more action", then you shouldn't even bother. That's not what this lifestyle is about. When you know why you want to do it you must determine whether your partner could handle swinging, even if he or she became interested. If, you want to swing because you want to help your partner live out fantasies while living out your own, or because you want to share the most special part of your life (your partner) with others, then you can start looking at how to convince your partner. You may not even need to convince your partner. They may already be more than willing, all you have to do is let them know that you are. The first thing you need to do is talk about your fantasies. Be open to any questions that they may bring up and be prepared to answer why you want to do this. Talk and talk, take your time. It takes time to become comfortable with the whole idea but at one point you have to ask it. What about if we give it a try? If your partner let you know NO way, then back off. Pushing them will get you nowhere. However, you can mention your fantasies to him/her, and some more talk. It may take several months but if you can get your partner fantasies turned on you are in the right directions. Don't forget, swinging wont fix a bad relations, but it can make a good one much more better. Read the next book and give it to your partner.

I would like to swing but don't now how to start

Well you are here, and reading this. It is not a bad start. Try to contact a local Swingers Club speak to them. Probably they will help you, with advice. You may speak with experienced swingers without any sexual involvement. If you get more comfortable with the idea of swinging, they may invite you for the next club event and rest of it up to you and your partner.

Other way to go, the Internet. Millions of Swingers website on the net. Try to find one which is covering your area, and post an ad. New couples are always welcome.

What about discretions?

Most established Swingers Clubs are very professional and discreet. Most of the swingers have a bad memory in good way... Soon they left the swingers club, they can't remember who are there, and with who and what they did or didn't. The new comers biggest question usually is, what will happen if I meet somebody over there, who I know? Well if you meet someone there, either of you don't have any reason to worry about it, because he/she there too.

If you go on the Internet, use free email service, Yahoo, Hotmail etc. You don't have to use your own name. Try to pick well know established website, with good reputations and everything should working well. You can try swingers magazine and telephone contact too, basically the choice is yours.

How can we find clubs in our area?

On the Internet, or word of the mouth. We provide every major swinger site on the Web. A lot of small clubs may not have advertising on the net, probably because they popular without any advertising.

We don't have any clubs in our area . Now what?

Swingers are just about everywhere. You don't have to go to a club to find them. Check your local adult book or video store for any local swing publications. If that still doesn't help, go to the next bigger city and try there. We listed in this web site some swinger publications and travel agencies.

We found one couple! What next?

Meet them at a neutral setting (i.e. restaurant or lounge). This makes it much easier to leave if things don't go well. Be on time and make sure that you have given each other specific contact information (i.e. What kind of car, dress, etc). Prepare preset signals to communicate between the you and your partner, such as "Yes", "No", "Maybe", and "Let's get the hell out of here!" Generally when you are just starting out you should never arrange for another meeting that night, this gives you and your partner time to discuss your feelings before making a commitment to the other couple.

Now we've met and want more. What is now?

Don't be shy, ask! Make it clear what do you want. Open conversation the best. Talk about your rules. Same room, different rooms, swap, or just soft-swing, etc. Once everyone is agree, just go for it. Just remember, "NO" means NO, at any time.

I'm a single guy. Swinging is just for couples?

Swinging is a lifestyle that couples enjoy to help them live out their fantasies with other adults. Singles can be involved in the lifestyle, and are involved, since many couples are looking for either an extra male or female to help them live out a threesome fantasy. What singles must remember when they are lucky enough to be involved is that it is a privilege and they must treat it as privilege. Many of the problems single men have in trying to get into this lifestyle are brought on by themselves. Most of them treat the ladies as sluts or nymphomaniacs. Swinging is sharing, what the single guy share? Why can not find girlfriend? Oh, your girlfriend not into swinging? Then you shouldn't too, or find other girlfriend. Remember, sharing is two sided. But if you single and really want to get into the lifestyle, keep trying. Be friendly, clean very polite, see thinks positive and who know maybe one day you may get what you want.

How should we dress for the party?

Dress depends on the party. Ask your host, or if it in the club other club members. Usual dress will be casual, but neat. If it will be pyjamas party you should wear pyjama too. If you don't and everyone else does it, you will fill uncomfortable. But you can wear any dress, just relax. Usually ladies show up very sexy they are trying to make the best impression what they can. Mans are dressing casual, but in most of the clubs jeans and running shoes are not allowed.

What about sexual disease?

There are many scary diseases, so if you want to practice safe sex make it clear before any serious action happen. Never let anyone to dictate you: No protection. It should be your and your partner choice. The disease should not be the reason not to swinging, because it is easily prevented. I strongly recommend condoms for any type of sexual encounter. This lifestyle is only as safe as you want it to be.

Can our marriage be damaged if we get into swinging?

Set up rules and keep them. If they to tight lose them, but always communicate with your partner. Don't do anything what don't want to do, or what make your partner uncomfortable or jealous. If you swinging this way, your marriages will improve and your relationship will be stronger and better all the time.

Dealing with jealousy

Jealousy is a normal problem that many swinger face. The best thing you can do to reduce jealousy let your partner know if you are jealous. Remember open communications. If you aren't comfortable with something that is going on, tell your partner. If you or your partner honestly can not handle a specific action then just don't do them. Every couple has their own limitations, or if don't time to set up at that point where both, you and your spouse are most comfortable. If your relationship in trouble and you think swinging will help, you are wrong. It wont! If you have a close, open relationship, built on honesty and love, swinging will only strengthen that.

Bisexuality and swinging... Most people have bisexual curiosity, but it appears ladies into swinging are more willing to try it. Many ladies enjoy the touch of another woman in a swinging situation, but are not necessarily attracted to other women in the rest of their lives. It is just up to the chemistry. However bi sexual man not popular in swinging communities. If you are bi sexual let your new partners know it. Sooner is better. Not everyone into bi sexuality. Lot of swingers are straight8 (100% straight).

Quality or Quantity? This question usually come from males. Ask any lady, not necessary most to be swinger lady, but you can ask any swinging couple too. They'll will give you the same answer. You should not test here yourself how many times you are able to do it. One quality experience is more better then one night long mediocre experiences. But the fore play never long enough. You can make this as long as long you wish, it just will make better quality.

What is the most important thing about swinging? Hard to say. What is very important for me, maybe not that important for you. Be be open, clean and positive all the time. If something bothering you, important to let your partner know. It is means the communications important. But I believe the most important thing, one-way or other, have fun, and be sure your partner have some fun too, because if not (special if your partner is your wife) maybe that was your last swinging experience with her.
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